by Mike James

As members in God’s Church we are servants to the people who worship with us. One of the most important ways to serve others is to listen to them. In these difficult times we see disagreements about how to react to the virus and how to overcome racial strife. The first step in overcoming disagreement is to listen to each other. Among the three primary forms of communication (listening, speaking, and writing), listening is probably the least practiced. Think about it: How many of you were formally trained in listening skills? I would ask that question in one of the classes I used to teach, and fewer people raised their hand for having had formal listening instruction versus speaking or writing instruction. Let’s understand a little bit about being better listeners.

First of all, what is active listening? When you are actively listening to someone you are trying to hear them in a nonjudgmental way (John 3:17). You want to get the facts and feelings from another person’s point of view. It’s about understanding where they are at, not trying to set them straight.  

To do this you need to have energy and focus on the other person. Hearing is not the same as listening. We hear things all day and this tends to diminish our focus and intentionality around listening. We need to put as much intention into our listening as we do with our speaking and writing. 

Obviously we want to pay attention to the words the other person is using. Words can often give us clues as to what others are feeling or intending. But when people are speaking about their feelings and attitudes, body language can be a more important clue. Another component you need to listen for is the tone of the message.

Your body language is so important. You should be facing the person you are listening to. Don’t be engaged in any other activity. Consistently look the other person in the eyes. Eye contact has a psychological impact on us because it is an intimate act. You don’t need to keep your eyes locked indefinitely, but make sure you are focusing back on their eyes on a consistent basis.

You don’t want to say much when you listen, but when you do say things it should be focused on making sure you have heard the message being conveyed. One technique you can employ is paraphrasing. When you paraphrase you are giving back to the speaker what they have said in your own words. This helps you make sure you are understanding what is being said. It is also good because it helps the speaker realize they are being heard.

If you say anything while listening, it should be verbal encouragement. Things like, “OK,” “I see,” “Right,” “Tell me more,” and “Interesting.” When you think the speaker is done allow five seconds of silence before asking any questions. This keeps the focus on the speaker and sometimes the silence allows them to continue.

Once the speaker is done you may want to ask some questions. Make sure you ask open-ended questions that begin with “What,” “How,” or “Why.” These kinds of questions allow the speaker to provide more content then closed-ended questions that can be answered by “Yes” or “No.” When you are actively listening you are also pro-active in the conversation. When appropriate you should be saying things like “Tell me more,” and “Give me an example.”

What you don’t want to do when actively listening is be in your own head. In other words, don’t be concerned with what you want to say. Your focus is on understanding the other person just as they are. You aren’t trying to fix them or correct them. You want to just understand them. You can’t help people until you really understand them. Stephen Covey (author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) used to say, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This is so true. If you first build rapport with the speaker by hearing them out it becomes so much easier for them to then listen to advice you may have.

Does this make sense from a biblical standpoint? In Luke 8:18, Jesus tells us to consider carefully how we listen. We should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). I hope you don’t just listen to God’s Word on listening, but do it (James 1:22).