Resolving Conflict

by Mike James

Later this month, I will be working with a ministry in the Jamaican Church to discuss conflict resolution in marriage. In doing the research on this presentation, I decided to write this blog to offer some data that may help us in resolving all kinds of conflict. Perhaps I will provide more data in my next blog.

There are a number of different books and theories on how to resolve conflict. In this blog, I will cite a theory developed in the 1970s by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann. These two men identified five main styles of dealing with conflict. Kilmann and Thomas argued that individuals have a preferred conflict resolution style. They also reasoned that different styles could be most useful in different situations. In other words, having an awareness of the differing styles might give us a better opportunity to resolve conflict instead of just resorting to what is natural for us.

Here are the styles the Thomas and Kilmann theory proposed:

Competitive: Folks who take this style take a firm stand and know what they want. They usually operate from a position of power due to their position, rank, expertise, or persuasive ability. This style works well for emergencies and when you need to make a quick decision. It can also work well when a decision is unpopular or when you are trying to guard against someone who is trying to exploit a situation. However, it can lead to resentment, upset, and dissatisfaction when it is used in less urgent situations.

Collaborative: The collaborative approach tries to meet the needs of all involved in the situation. People who use this style can be assertive like those who are competitive but cooperate effectively and admit the importance of everyone involved. This style works well when you need to bring people together and when there are a variety of views. It also works well when there have been previous conflicts in a group or when the situation is very important.

Compromising: Those who use this style try to find a solution that will partially satisfy everyone involved. Everyone involved in this group issue will need to give up something to get to a resolution. Compromise is useful when the cost of the conflict is greater than the cost of losing ground. It also works well when the parties in the conflict wield equal strength or position or if you are under a deadline.

Accommodating: This style deals with people who meet the needs of others by diminishing their own needs in the issue. This person is not very assertive but highly cooperative. This style works well when the issue matters more to the other party than the accommodating party. It also works well when "peace" is more important than winning. You may also use this style to collect on a "favor" in the future.

Avoiding: In this style, people try to avoid the conflict completely. People using this style often delegate controversial decisions, accept default decisions, and don't want to hurt people's feelings. This can be used when winning is impossible, or the issue is trivial. In most situations, this is the weakest and most ineffective approach.

There are two major dimensions in these five styles. These are assertiveness and cooperation. Assertiveness is higher for those who compete and collaborate, while cooperation is higher for those who accommodate and avoid. Compromise is the middle ground for assertiveness and cooperation.

Having a grasp of the different styles can help you determine what may be best for your individual situation. It is also important to realize that a mixture of approaches can be utilized to resolve the conflict. Knowing what your go-to style is helps you alter that style when the situation dictates it.

How does all this relate to Christianity? Well, in the beatitudes, Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:9 that the peacemakers are blessed. Jesus is also called the "Prince of Peace" in Isaiah 9:6-7. Isaiah 52:7 addresses the importance of peace in the coming Kingdom, which is God's purpose for us. If He brings peace in that Kingdom, we need to start trying to follow that admonition now by resolving our conflicts.

Sources: "What is the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Management Model? (With examples)," https://www.mtdtraining.com/blog/thomas-kilmann-conflict-management-model.htm.